The December Dilemma
The first night of Chanukah and Christmas Day fell on the same day last year. The lights of Chanukah and Christmas being lit together and our family joining together have a lot in common. It reminded me of how life overlaps in other ways and how my own life has done exactly that over the last few years. My birthday is the same day as my husband’s mother, and his brother’s and my mother’s birthdays are a day apart. Is it coincidence? I tend to believe it is all part of a well mapped out plan that those close to us are closer than we think. What better way to celebrate our two holidays in a blended family than being reminded of our similarities rather than our differences?
The effects of having a Jewish and a Christian holiday fall close to or on the same day produce some interesting results for everyone, Jewish and non-Jewish. This is true whether you are in an interfaith family or not. Even if your children are young, as they grow, their curiosity will develop and their friendship circle will widen. They may ask you, “Why does Sally have a big tree in her house?” or “Why DON’T we?” The important thing to remember with any subject matter is to educate yourself first, become comfortable with the material, and answer your children’s questions. One challenge is becoming comfortable with topics you may consider taboo. Usually sex and death are the two areas as parents we are unsettled on how to approach with our children. However, raising Jewish children, be prepared. You will eventually have to answer questions you may not know the answers to or be comfortable talking about.
When my son, a few years ago, asked me who was Jesus Christ, I nearly choked on my cup of coffee. This is a subject I do not know enough about to answer intelligently and I was thrown off guard (a common occurrence as the mother of some very inquisitive children.) However, I remembered what I tell parents all the time. Answer only the question they are asking. Don’t give more information than they are asking for. If they want to know more, they will ask for more. “He was a man who lived a very long time ago,” I answered. “Oh”, Sam said. Adding, “Did he die?” (Long ago, I was taught that yes and no are complete sentences when answering questions. Remember your training, remember your training…) “Yes,” I (cowardly) added. The conversation ended there as these answers were enough for him for the time being. Since then, we have had long conversations about Christianity, asking his non-Jewish grandmother and cousins questions and understanding that we all believe there is one God and the important thing is to help and be kind to others.
So what’s a parent to do? First, as I have said before, get comfortable with the material. Think of the answers you will give when the questions come and have a conversation with your spouse so everyone is on the same page. If you are in an interfaith home, it is extremely important to respect each other’s differences. This models the behavior for your children and also avoids complicated conversations in the heat of the moment. If you have not decided whether you will have a Christmas tree in your house and your child asks “Can we have a tree?” and one of you says yes and one of you says no at the same time, you are going to send some conflicting messages to your child.
In our home, even our youngest, when asked, knows she is Jewish and her Daddy is not but he is a part of our family. She understands better than any of us that you can all be a family even if some of you are Jewish and some of you are Christian. We talk about why we celebrate Christmas with our non-Jewish relatives. We talk about our beliefs and theirs and create new traditions together.
Which is the next important area to approach? Who says you can’t light a chanukiyah and trim a tree on the same night? Believe me, it can be done. You can leave latkes or jelly donuts for Santa and read some great interfaith stories about the holidays. One book, Light the Lights by Margaret Moorman, is a story about celebrating Chanukah and Christmas, and it’s not just for interfaith families. Remember, we are teaching our children to accept others for who they are and this is a great story illustrating just that.
Starting your own traditions and remembering what the important concepts are behind the winter holidays helps keep the big picture in mind. It is a wonderful time of year to instill more positive behaviors in our children, and the message of giving to others mirrors that behavior. We have a tradition in our home that before we open a gift on Chanukah, we give an old toy away. It creates a climate of gratefulness and awareness that it is our duty as children of God to treat others with kindness and dignity.
A child last year asked in class, “What is Christmas?” The teacher explained it was a holiday some people celebrate. One child said, “We celebrate Christmas and Chanukah.” Another chimed in, “I celebrate Chanukah!” A beautiful conversation ensued about what we did with our families and what was the most fun part of celebrating any holiday. How great! There was a parent who was visiting that day and asked me afterwards, “How do you deal with ‘Christmas’?” She whispered as though she was my dear old Aunt Bessie who whispers words too terrible to utter, like cancer and prison. Guess what? We ask questions and talk about it. It is not a taboo subject in our school to discuss. Our comfort level is more important than the knowledge. Children just want to belong and hearing about how holidays are celebrated help to bring everyone together.
Lastly, don’t stress out. There are wonderful books for adults to read on the subject, and other families who manage to juggle it all who you can discuss the subject with (me being one of them and I am always available to chat). Please feel free to pick my brain or I can direct you towards other great children’s books on the subject matter. However you choose to handle the “December Dilemma” and whether you celebrate Chanukah, Christmas, or both, I know you will find something magical about being with your family at a special time of the year.
L’Shalom,
Debbie
